[crowd singing hello, dolly!] ♪ one of your old favorite songs from way back when ♪ ♪ so... ♪ ♪ take her wrap, fellas ♪ ♪ find her an empty lap, fellas ♪ woman: ♪ dolly'll never go away ♪ ♪ dolly'll never go away ♪ ♪ dolly'll never go away again ♪ [cheering and applause]
hey, do you guysknow this one? [plays mystikal's shake ya ass on piano] oh! now thisis the real shit. woman: uh-huh. all: ♪ shake your ass, watch yourself ♪ ♪ shake your ass ♪ ♪ show me what you're working with ♪ ♪ attention all young players and pimps ♪
♪ right now is the place to be ♪ ♪ i thought i told y'all niggers before ♪ ♪ y'all niggers don't fuck with me ♪ ♪ watch yourself ♪ [music and singing stops] you suck. uh! man: who put the horse out? second man: she's good.
she--she's been really sick. bad, bad, bad girl! [music from the exorcist plays] ok.that'll be $17.50. hey, buddy!hey, pay the fare. [banging on door] i'm father mcfeely. i'm so glad you're here. i came as fast asi could, but at my age,
the little soldier needsa lot more thumping before it startspumping, if youknow what i mean. you know,i do find, though, if i tickle my asshole just before i unleashthe dog of war-- it's ok. i understand. you know, becausein the old days, you know when you--
[deep-voiced scream] how is she? it's gotten worse,father. really? she--she won't eat,she won't talk. the child won't evenlet me touch her. yes. sometimes youhave to give them candy. father... the church sent meto assist you.
i--i'm father harris. hi. nice to see you. would you liketo see the girl? soon... but first i mustbless this house. "the sorrows of deathcompassed me, "and the pains of hellgot hold upon me. i found..."
[buzzing] "then called i uponthe name of the lord and..." [coughing] "my soul from death." oh, god. please, lord. help me to releasethis demon. [farting] ahh! thank you, lord,
the most merciful almighty. oh, hold on. ahh! ah,those enchiladas. ha ha ha! [sighs] thank you, lord. [toilet flushes] [thunder] [growling]
aah! fuck this. father! fuck! did you see this?look at this! please, father,think of the child. mcfeely: fuck! yes. it's freezing. [moaning]
let us pray. mcfeely: "defender of the human race, look down in pity upon this,your servant." shove it up your ass,you worthless piece of shit. girl: aah! silence! mmm. "holy lord--" your mother is in herewith us, harris.
would you liketo leave a message? i'll be surethat she gets it. yes. mom, will youget out of there, please? you're no fun. i'm working. see you later,mrs. harris. "holy lord,almighty father in--" harris: "everlasting god "and father of our lord jesus christ
"and the virgin mary'sbaby daddy. "holy lord, almighty father, "everlasting god "who once consigned that fallen tyrant "to the flames of hell, "who sent your only son into the world "to crush that roaring tiger "and who gotthat unholy bitch jerri kicked off of survivor--"
fuck me! fuck me! harris: father! huh? this is notpart of the ritual. in the name ofthe father, the son, and the holy-- ha ha ha! here you go, father.all clean. oh, thank youso much.
ok. hee hee hee! megan in distorted voice: you failed, mcfeely. your weapons are uselessagainst me. both: our fatherwho art in heaven-- [distorted voice]ha ha! stop it! both: hallowed be thy name. zip it.
thy kingdom come. [distorted voice]your mother sucks cocks in hell. ha! shit! [megan laughing] suck on this.[gun cocks] [distorted voice]uh-oh! [sugar ray's sorry nowplaying] ♪ i let you go ♪ ♪ let you go like a dozen balloons ♪
♪ without even thinking ♪ ♪ i didn't know, now i know ♪ ♪ it was much too soon ♪ ♪ it was much too soon ♪ ♪ why can't you call and say you miss me? ♪ so you think you made itinto the class, shorty? i sure hope so, cindy. you could usethe grade, huh? nah. i needa place to stay.
mom dukeskicked me out, shorty: but you know something? i learned something very important in college-- the value of books. yeah.look at this here. free paper. ha ha!shit, son. yeah, so how youdigging college? i don't know.
it's ok, i guess. i feel like such a geeksometimes, though. everyone is so cool,and i'm...not. oh, come on, cindy. you ain't that bad. all you need isa little bit of flavor. hmm.maybe some new gear. "gear?" you know? that'sslang for "clothing."
oh. here. let me--come on. we gonna cool you upright now. come on. don't sitlike this, first of all. it's-- don't sit like that,son. sit cool. right up, son. feel yourself, son,like that. yeah.now go like this.
uh. uh, yeah. that's cool. yeah. yeah. now stand up,let me show you some moves. right, left. uh, son. uh! both: right, left. right, kick. uh, son.
uh, psych. throw a little bitof slang in there. say, "yo, that jacketis tight, son. ya mean?" yo, that jacketis tight, son. ya mean? yeah,something like that. throw it alltogether. ok. right, left.
right, kick, uh! yo, that jacket is tight. now run that shit, bitch. that is the shit,dog. oh, man. you boners aren't ready yet? dude, relax, man.i'm telling you, we'll get there on time, all right? yo, dogs,what y'all think?
tucked in or out? out, man. out, man. come on. no doubt. no doubt.that's what i thought. that's what i thought. yeah, you fuckheadswould be ready if you weren'tpartying all night. come on, man.it was so awesome. we got so wasted, man!
i had, like, a keg myself. i woke up nakedin a tub of ice. all right! yeah, man. oh, shit, ray,you got a tattoo. oh, shit. what's it say? "ray!" oh, shit, yougot a tattoo, too.
oh, really? dude! dude, what--what's it say? "fucked me." oh, sweet, man."ray..." "ray..." both: "ray fucked me." yeah! ha ha! whoo! what, man?
wedgie moment! ha ha! come on. you're gonnagive me a yeast infection. hey, girl, that jacketis slamming. thanks. you better be careful,though. some girlgot an ass-whipping over a jacketstolen earlier today. some peopleis so ghetto. what classwe got next?
psychology. me, too! 101? in room 302at 10:00? that's it! oh! uh-uh! no.this is too much. i got these psychicpowers on line. remind me to get a lotto tickettomorrow. oh, don'tsplit the pole now.
that is very,very bad luck. my psychic told me. alex: you don't really believe in that stuff, do you? yes, i do.very much. [horn honks] are these all the subjects? yes, sir. i took the liberty
of putting those withnear-death experiences on the very top. any of them hot? as i'm sure you are aware,professor, subjectswho are close to death are statisticallymore likely to have the suggestibilityrequired for paranormalinvestigation, which is why, of course,
i gave themspecial consideration. oh, good thinking,dwight. traumatized coedsare a sure thing. ooh, i like her. oh, yes, sir.that is cindy campbell-- classic abandoned personality disorder. uh, she seems guarded,but willing. and this? that is ray wilkins, sir.
i couldn't quitefigure him out, but he seemed very eagerand pleased to meet me. what's this? i--it's a picture that he sent afterthe interview. where did youfind these kids? sir,they're all survivors of the stevenston countymassacre. oh, fantastic!
these kids are exactlythe catalyst we need... to awaken the spiritsof hell house. um, sir, exactly how are wegoing to get them up there? we'll tell them... it's part of the class. we'll say--excuse me-- that they'reparticipating in a study of sleep disorders. we are going to make history, dwight--
the first documented, unrefuted evidenceof life after death. professor: welcome, everybody. i'm professor oldman. each of you have beencarefully selected to be in this class, for which you receive an automatic grade of "a" upon completion. now, this year's study is insomnia.
[snoring] we are going to spend the weekend together where we've established a controlled environment in which we'll study your various sleep disorders. now, i'll be passing outdirections-- i can do it.i can-- no. no, dwight. i can do it.
i can...myself...do it. now, you should all be there by 6 p.m. tonight and plan tostay through monday. i'll see you allthis evening. hey! you left your bookback there. oh. thanks. i'm cindy.
buddy. hey. so, uh, looks like we're gonna spendthe weekend together. you want toget together and... study or something? study? ha! that was kind of bad. i'm sorry, buddy.
you seem likea really nice guy, but i just got out of a really badrelationship, so i'm not quite readyto start dating yet. but, hey, you know, maybe wecould be friends. sure. yeah. cool.that--friends. ok. see you later,friend. all right, pal.
wedgie!smell you later! vitamin c: ♪ as we go on, we remember ♪ [singing along with radio] ♪ all the good times ♪ ♪ we had together ♪ ♪ as our lives change ♪ ♪ come whatever ♪ ♪ we will still be ♪ ♪ friends forever ♪
[record scratch,music ends] vitamin c on radio: hey! will you shut the fuck up and let me sing? [music resumes] ♪ la la la la la la la ♪ ♪ la la la la la la la... ♪ man: ow! hello? man: oh!
[door creaks] [bird squawks] hi, little guy. look at you. little?i'm not little. i'm hunglike a bull, lady. check it out. you ever seena bird dick this big? too much for you,huh, baby?
all right. step offthen, sweet cheeks. come back when youwant some real loving. [faint chuckle] fucking tease. cindy: hello? [both screaming] oh, i'm--i'm sorry, child. did i--did ifrighten you, child? oh, i'm--i'm sorry.are you scared?
all right.i'll sing to you. ♪ god is in his holy temple ♪ [humming] better? i'm here with professoroldman's group. i'm hanson. i'm the caretaker. and what's your name,sweet child? cindy.
oh, butthe resemblance is... striking. look atthe thin cheek bones and the same lips. same--same eyes. look at your hair. oh, i'm sorry. you've got the same nose. tickle, tickle.
be-boop, be-boop on the nose. shall ishow you to your room? oh! oh, that's heavy.whoo! that's heavy! i betteruse my strong hand. oh! clumsy. oh! no, that's fine. look, yougot the panties-- i can take care of it. look at--oh, what you got here?
[smelling] ah! can't forgetyour toothbrush. gonna need that for later. ok. here we go.follow me, child. oh, god. watch my bottom. coming through. come on.right this way.
here we are. so, um, do youlive here by yourself? well, yes. we'vetried to rent it out, but people don't seem towant to stay very long. ha ha! oh, there'sold mother kane... and that's old master kane. who's that? that's big daddy kane. oh.
oh, he's cute. oh, yeah. that was the master'sfavorite toy. i don't know what it's doing out here. i swear.sometimes i think these toys havea mind of their own. ow! [squeaking] right this way.
oh, no, no, no.not that room, sweetheart. no. that was the master'smistress's room. yeah, he kind of was a little bit of a hornball. no. you go and stay right over here. this was the room that belongedto the love of his life... his wife, caroline. i'll show it to you. oh! watch. my fanny's coming through. watch it.make room for fanny.
oh, wow! it's beautiful. well, thank you, child. you know,i have been working out. i've been doingmy bun busters every day. i squeeze really tight,and then i let loose. i squeeze really tight... and then let loose. ooh!
ok. hanson: ooh! oh, yes. look at this. caroline lookedbeautiful in that dress. in fact, she always looked her best. do you know that sheused to entertain for royalty and common folk and... even the presidentof the united states.
ew. [meow] oh, don't be frightened,child. thisis just mr. kittles. he was the master'sfavorite pet. he's been in the family for generations. look at him.he hasn't aged a day. all right, child, well, i thinki'll take my leave.
you let me know ifthere's anything you need. dwight: yes, and as youcan see, professor, i've taken careof everything, including medical suppliesand blood storage. dwight: we want to be safe. are these camerasall throughout the house? yes, sir. i thoughtthat would be best. so if one ofour little chickadees were to betaking a shower,
which buttonwould i press to get a closeup? that one. this one? that one. [beep] ha! hanson: excuse me, professor... but your guestshave begun to arrive,
and supper shall be served shortly. ok. thanks, handyman. i'm actually the caretaker. oh, aren't thosecool new skates? now, you be careful with those. don't want to falland break something. oh, that's funny.that's real funny. um, let me give you a hand. well, that--that'sawful kind of you.
how about you give mea standing ovation? why don't youlift me up? oh! ok. i see where you're going with this one. you look familiar to me.were you in stomp? hey,you can kiss my grits. i think i'llbe the bigger man now and walk away. walk away. professor: um, i'll go and change for dinner. i'll see you shortly.
sounds good. i'll just,uh, run upstairs and jump intomy jogging suit. i'll be right down. [squawking] dwight: hey! hey there, little guy.how you doing? fuck off, four eyes. i beg your pardon?
i said,"fuck off, four eyes." oh, i ought tokick your ass. hey! hey! hey! relax, son. it's just a bird. hello, birdie.polly want a cracker? polly wantsyour mama's sweet ass. what did polly say to me? i said, "polly wantsyour mama's sweet ass." you don't be talking about my mama, son.
you don'tknow my mama, son. yeah,i know your mama. i fucked her last night. you want beef?i'll fuck you up! ooh! i'm shaking.i'm shaking. now, fuck this. i'm gonna handle this shitlike a gentleman. yo, hold my tooth, son. yeah, come on, bitch.
you and that welcome back, kotter haircut. want a piece of me?come on. bring it on. what, you hard core?gimme some. bring it on, bitch. no, no, no. what? [crash] you gonna talk, son?then do it. come on, pussy.let me out of here. i'll fuck you up.
hi, guys. hey, buddy. hey, cin. how you doing? open chest! oh, come on. you got to bequicker than that, "a" cup. oh! oh! [cindy groaning] hey, guys.
well, are you boysjust gonna sit there with your mouths open, or is someone gonnaoffer me a seat? cindy: ow! dwight: i warmed it up for you. it's the best seatin the house. second best. cindy: professor, is this the same house that a young girl was possessed by a demon
or something? yes, it was reportedbut never substantiated. [applause] [cheering] hanson: all right. well, uh... who'd like some appetizers? hanson: that's what i like to hear. hey, these bunslook good. oh, yeah...
and they'reso soft and warm. ray! oh, i'm sorry. my bad. cindy: these are delicious. hanson: thank you, my child. i made them by hand. hanson: ok! here we go. i thinkthe taters are just about done. i'm just gonna give themone quick whisk here.
[hanson humming] ok, now. dig in. all right. now it's timefor the turkey. oh, what a beautiful bird. no! no, man! hey! hey! hey, man. why don't youjust relax...
and just let medo that for you? shorty: rest that little hand. it's my pleasure, but whata nice young man to offer. let me give youa little pinch there. come on. fuck it! you know, a lot of people... are kind of intimidated... about...makinga turkey, but...
really it's very simple. you just have to knowthe anatomy of a turkey, and it's got, over here, just the tiniestlittle stinkhole, but it's big enoughto get your hand right up inside it. hanson: uh! stuff the shit out of it. i cook itwith all the giblets--
the penisesand the ginies, and now, a lot of people like to baste their turkeys, but i use this. ♪ i lick like that ♪ and get into the little... hiney hiney ho... that's nice and good. i don't knowwhat the hell that is,
but i'll lick it anyway. up and down, and then i like to get that right on there... hiawatha! and i got one of these. i'm gonna pull that off and bam! that justkicks it up a little bit. all right. i think that's almost... ready now.
and then webring it to the table. mmm, good. all right. who's ready for a wing? yoursor the turkey's? i just thought that was funny. well, i knowwhat you'd like. how about a leg? all: whoo!
how about two? ha ha! how abouti take these two legs and shovethem right up your ass-- all the way to the knee! dwight. dwight, relax. professor: hanson... may i ask you... is theresomething on the menu that you haven'tpersonally prepared?
well, i ordered outthe dessert. hanson: make room. here comes the pie. all right. ok. mmm. who wants the first piece of that pie? huh? i see youeyeing the first piece. oh, that's good. mm mmm. pass that down to her, will you?
thank you. hanson: that's nice. my germs. ha ha ha! my germs!ha ha ha! [hanson laughing] hey... girl's voice: come play with me. [girl giggling] come play.
ha ha! [thumping loudly] [whistle blows] woman's voice: cindy...cindy. who is it? i want to help you, cindy. who are you? you're in danger, cindy. i want to help you.
help me how? who's in danger? check the music room. check the music room. where are you? check the fucking music room! hey, cindy,think fast! ohh! uhh! aah! dude, you suck! ow.
buddy... about thisfriendship thing-- yeah, i thinkit is so cool having a girlas a friend. that's just it,buddy. i am a girl. you can't beso rough with me. well, then what the hellare we supposed to do? gentle stuff.
you know,like talking and... sharing secretsand past experiences. you know,stuff like that. that soundskind of gay. well, i guess sinceyou're a girl, it's all rightthen, right? yeah.it'll be fine. hey, listen.will you come check something outwith me?
yeah. sure. we can practiceour talking. yeah. exactly. i want to tell youabout this thing that happened to mewhen i was in high school. really?what happened? this hotspanish chick's like lickingmy nuts, right-- buddy!
no, no. this isthe best part. oh, my god. look. oh, dude! someone'son the rag! cindy: shh! they lead straight to the bookcase. [bookcase opens] god. must be a secret studyor something.
wow. cindy: oh, my god. it says hugh kaneand his mistress were murderedin this house. whoa.check this out. cindy: this must be his wife. oh, my god. she looks just like you. you think? she's really beautiful.
yeah. well, actually,her hair doesn't have as many split endsas yours, and her skin isn't as oily as yours, either. also, sometimes your eyes get kind of squinty, and you look like you mighthave down syndrome or something. other than that, though, the resemblance is uncanny. also, her tits are perfect.they're not pointy
or funny-lookinglike yours-- or spacedtoo far apart. ok! enough! oh, my god,look at this. "caroline." cindy: must have been hers. [hiss] oh, my god. all right.let's get out of here.
this place gives methe creeps. ok. grab the chest. oh, thanks. what? i meant the chest. right. [faint footsteps] [snoring lightly] man: what the--
hey. nice. [pants unzipping] mm-hmm... mmm...mmm. [gasps] [mumbling] oh! ok! hello!
if i had known,i would have freshened up! i wish you were freshened up, too. get up there! come on! oh, you want this? oh, yeah. ooh, yeah. that's it, daddy. take it likeyou want it. give it to me!give it to me! oh, yeah!oh, yeah!
yeah! come here! bring it on! kinky's my middlename, bitch! ooh, yeah! that was the best that i've ever had. oh. mrs. huey kane. hmm? doesn't that justhave a ring to it?
ha ha! mmm... baby? where you going? call me! let's do somethingfreaky. hee hee!like what, ray? i don't know.why don't you, uh, why don't you talkdirty to me? i don't knowwhat to say, ray.
come on. just makesomething up. [giggling] oh, ray, why do youmake me so bad? come on. becauseyou a bad girl. i'm gonna work this. yeah. work it. i'm gonnamake this mine. mmm. it's all yours.oh, yeah. i'm gonna pisson your face,
and then i'm gonnafart in your mouth. yeah! and then i'm gonnashit on these walls, ray! too dirty? oh, hey,kitty, kitty. hi, little fella. [rowrrr] aah! aah! aah! [hissesand growls] ok. ok.
that's ok, cat. [gasp] i think i know why you're mad, mr. cat. i didn't mean to gopoopie in your litter box. [rowr] [rrrowrrr] help! my pussy'sgone crazy! aah! aah! oh! aah! aah!
ok. you wanta piece of me? yeah! how do you likethat, little pussy? come on! yeah! yeah! come on! aah! ohh! is that all you got? huh? come on! give me your best shot! [birds chirping]
[growl] cindy: i'm telling you, professor, it was possessed. theo, did you seethis animal? no, i didn't. i heard allthe commotion, but by the timei went in there, i guess it was gone. mm-hmm.
what? so you think i did this to myself? no. all i'm saying is that catsare known to be veryterritorial animals, and it's likelythat it did attack, but that doesn't meanit was possessed. maybe you two shouldsleep together. what are you getting at,professor? i'm just sayingthat if indeed
this cat did attack, it's less likelyto come back if the two of youwere, let's say... together. oh, come on,it's college. it's time for you twoto experiment. i don't think we're gonnabe getting much help here. oh, on the contrary,actually, i'd be more than happyto walk you through it.
come on, cin. i'll make sureyou get tucked in. good idea. don't forget to... kiss each othergood night. there's somethinggoing on in this house,professor. i'm not crazy! ray: 1, 2,
3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, brandon, 10, 11, brandon, come on!count with me! voice: hey, you. hee hee hee hee! come here a minute. ha ha ha ha! come here. ha ha ha ha! peekaboo!ha ha ha ha! come on, let's play!
this is a fun game, huh? hey, what are you doing? ray: uncle ray-ray's got a game. hey, get your fingerout of there. tickle, tickle,tickle, tickle... you want to playwith uncle ray? aah! aah! help! oh, god! here's a littleballoon animal.
♪ da da da da dada da da da ♪ ohh! cindy, voice-over: "i can't takeliving with him any longer. "he's becoming a monster. "i suspect he washaving an affair. "i believe he's sleepingwith our baby-sitter victoria. "it must be whyhe keeps her around because we haveno children." woman's voice: cindy...
i want you to know what happened, cindy. professor: hello, cindy. hello, professor. i take it you're notmad at me anymore. i wouldn't gothat far, professor. why don't youjust relax? uh, uh... aha. ha ha.
uh-huh. [rustling noise] i think she's startingto suspect something. who? [whispering]your wife. it happened right here. professor: what? she came home. she saw them!
saw who? i was in my roomreading her journal. then i found this dressin the closet. that's all i remember. what about you, ray? oh, i bought mineon friday. i just came downto get a banana. shit is hot, right? you're a nicelittle plant.
you drink all thislittle water up so you can grow up to bea nice strong chron plant. yes. yes. and then you'll be smokedby all the rappers and make them doa whole lot of dumb shit that fuck up their careers. yes, you will. night-night, baby. i'm gonna robthat bitch tonight.
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"deez nuts roasting on an open fire," "a sleigh ride in my '64," "ante up, bitch, it's christmas," and many more! yo, i'm gonna buythat shit, son! just $19.95... i'm sorry! i didn't meanto smoke your relatives! please! no! i didn't do it by myself!
whitney and bobby helped me! please! help me! aah! shit, son! wait! no! please! oh! oh, shit, son! shorty: oh, shit! oh, my god! aah! oh, shit! i smellsomething burning!
oh, stop! it's me! i got an idea! oh, wait a second! hold on, shorty! don't rescue me yet. i'm getting highas a motherfucker! toke, toke,toke, toke! take it to the head!take it to the head! [coughs]
oh, you take itlike a bitch. put the shorty down, and i'll give youfunyons and cheetos. shorty: oh, shit! oh, shit! this shit burnsmore than a perm! shorty: there's a whole lot of freaky shit going on in this house. there's moreto this story
than the professortold us. last night, i founda secret room, and i found all thesenewspaper clippings about hugh kane. he was a reallyevil man. and i found a pictureof his wife. oh, my god! she looksjust like you. yeah. she doesn't haveas many split ends, and her skin's notas oily as yours.
ray: oh, yeah. yeah. sometimes you do this littlesquinty thing with your eyes. it looks like you gotdown syndrome or something. oh, yeah, y'alllook just alike, except she got someperfect boobs, and yours look likethem old orangutan titties. shorty: ha ha ha ha ha! shit, son! you know, i'll put youin the full nelson and lick them.
shorty: ha ha ha ha! anyway, i thinkshe killed him, and now he wants me. yeah.right, bitch. professor: morning, dwight. let me help you. dwight: i don't need your help. i can do it myself. aah! ok. professor, uh, we need to talk.
professor: what is it, dwight? i think you should consider cutting the experiment short. this poltergeistis growing increasinglymore violent. i think we're allin danger here, and i've got to putmy foot down and stand up for what i believe in and say that we've gotto pull the plug.
whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa, dwight. i say when we pullthe plug. we are on the verge of greatness, and i am this closeto getting laid. now, the bus arriveson monday. no one leavestill then. here are the keysto the gate. professor: no one gets access to them. ok, guys, i thinkthe professor's up to something.
i heard dwighttell the professor that there could bea poltergeist in the house and that we could allbe in danger! oh, no, son!not a poltergeist! [all talking] what's a poltergeist? i'm getting outof here. no. we can't go anywhere.the gates are locked. dwight's the only onewho has the keys.
baby, get my vaseline. i'm gonna haveto handle-- get my vaseline,a banana, and some duct tape. i'm gonna breakhis legs. i'm gonna fuck thatlittle cripple up! theo: guys, just give me 5 minutes alone with him, ok? i'll get the keys. hello, dwight.
hi, theo. what you working on? uh, just a...little experiment. oh. work,work, work. is that allyou ever do? well, there's a lotriding on this project. you know,the professor might have everyoneelse fooled, but...i know whothe real brains
behind thisoperation is. oh, yeah?you do, huh? that's what turnsme on about you. you're so smart. ahh. and those sexy eyes. ha ha. oh! why don't i putsome music on, huh? yeah. music.
[let me blow ya mind playing] wha-- you know, dwight, i hear you'rethe only one who has the keysto the gate. uhh... ha. that's true.it is. i'm-- correct. what if, um...
i wanted to borrowthose keys? oh, dear sweetgod in heaven. i...yaaa, i can't. oh, come on.yes, you can, baby. please? i mean-- look. you help me by giving methe keys, and i'll helpby giving you-- [zip]
hey, wait,wait, wait! whoa! hey, i don't need your help, ok, lady? i can do it myself. woo-hoo! hey, look! i'm tossingmy own salad! so this is yoursecret room. well... this just isn't gonnawork now, is it?
oh, professor. come over here. uh-huh! this way, you big hunk. ahem. have we met? follow me. are you playinga little game? come here, baby.
ha ha ha ha! [woman roars] professor: no! is everybody here? all right. let's go. shorty: oh, shit, son! he's not gonnalet us out of here! he's gonna kill us! oh, look.a rocket scientist.
all right. quick.everybody to the laboratory. move! come on!hurry up! you all are fucked! lock the door. ok. we haveto destroy it. ray: that's great. how are we gonna destroywhat we can't see? i got it! we'll shave offour pubic hairs
and wear the shampoofor two weeks! dwight: no. listen. listen. we're gonna usethese guns. they emit a boltof concentrated energy, which can damagethe ectoplasmic cells and destroy the ghost. now, there's no moreammunition. conserve it.use it wisely. shut up.
conserveyour ammunition. my bad. all right.now, the only way we're gonna be ableto track these ghosts is if we're all wearing one of these. these are thermo goggles. they work on the principle of body heat. they're so powerful, they can detect where any bodily fluidshave been,
even if they'vebeen wiped clean. are my glassescrooked? ok. now listen... that ghost may beinvisible, but we have the advantageof being armed with the most sophisticatedhigh-tech equipment known to man. how are we gonna stayin touch with each other? i mean, do we have somewalkie-talkies or something?
no. we have these. those is dixie cups. well, we kindof ran short of funds after the gunsand the goggles. all right.now let's split up. uh-uh! uh-uh! uh-uh! now wait a minute!hold up! how come every timesome scary shit happens that we needto stick together,
you white people alwayssay, "let's split up"? she's right. we shouldstick together. yes! that's whati'm saying! she's right. ok. you 3, follow me. ain't that a bitch? we're gonna die, y'all. [all crying] [groan]
ah. did you hear that? hell, yeah. where's shorty? ray: shorty! shorty! damn. you wait right here. i'll be right back.
what is this? looks likethe furnace room. let's go. cindy: no, wait. in that newspaper article, it said that hugh kanewas killed in the furnace. oh, wow. look at this. cindy: there's so many ashes, buddy. what are you doing? hold it.
let's split up. i'll meet youon the other end. wait. good luck. i love you! oh, shorty! cindy! there's a monsterchasing me. what are wegonna do?
yeah? shorty! [screaming] damn. why doesthe little bitch got to bring that shitover here? ok. well, maybeshe won't see me. cindy: somebody help me! brenda! [crying]
shit, she saw me. oh! aah! cindy: ohh! thank you, lord! ok. now letthat shit just-- just mutilateher white ass and leave. [cindy screaming] damn, bitch, please die! oh, my god, brenda!
we're gonna die! it would havejust been you if you had justshut the fuck up! it's coming! what is it? is it a monster?is it a monster? cindy? this is a skeleton.this is bones. would you runfrom calista flockhart?
[loud scream] shut your ass up. look. he crazy now. i'm sorry, mr. skeleton. here. ha! gotcha! psych! have a nice trip. hey, girl,i got an idea.
[laughing] ha ha. very funny. whoo! now get onout of here! somebody gonna catchan ass-whupping when i come back. cindy: oh, brenda, you are so brave. you know, you really aremy best friend, cindy.
you guys ok? please. it takes more thana little bag of bones to scare me. huey: wedgie! the ghost has buddy! ah! my ass! brenda, do something! ok!
buddy: aah! i thought i wasyour best friend. was. i'm gonnamiss you, girl! get my gun! [struggling] [huey groans] are you ok? oh, my god,you're bleeding.
come on. i thinkthere's a first-aid kit in the lab. huey: ooh! [groaning] [grunting angrily] huey...baby... my love? are you there? huey? baby!
baby, i gotto talk to you. huey: no. go away! huey: get away from me! come on, baby. we can work this out. i mean, if we juststick together, no one can hurt us,my love. huey: it was just a booty call! ow! ooh! ow! oh!
why won't youtalk to me? huey: because you gave me crabs. you are the weakest link. good-bye! ooh. hey. how you doing? no, no. no kissing.no kissing. no. leave this on.leave this on. you look beautifuljust like that.
yeah. yeah. oh! oh! no, no, no. don't fuck it up. ohh. cindy, i've beenthinking about this wholefriendship thing. i've never had a friend who cared for methe way you do. i mean, there's ray,
but he cares for mein a different way, you know, like-- like bringing me flowers and running my bath water. and there's nightswhen i wake up screaming and i look over, and ray's in my bedholding me. anyway... seeing as how tonight
may be our lastnight together, i was thinking-- that we shouldtake our friendship a little bit further. yes. oh, buddy, i was thinkingthe exact same thing. i mean, this might beour last night alive, and i want to takefull advantage of it.
i was thinkingthe same thing! i want to be ableto act out our innermost fantasies. oh, great. like... i've always wantedto walk on the moon. [slowly]buuuuudyyyy. what about you, buddy?what do you want to do? [door slams]
cindy: he's in here. oh, my god.he locked us in. you should call for help. hello! hello.can you hear me? come in! come in! copy!do you copy me? we havea situation here! breaker! they can't hear me!
must be these wallsor something. you stay down here. i'm gonnago check upstairs. [thud] agh! [grunting] do you need help or-- what do i look like to you? just trying to be nice.
cover me! what do you want me to do? cover me! not literally.i'm serpentining! they taught me that-- merchant marines.two years. spent two yearson my belly in danang. look! look. look whatthe cripple's doing.
ow-ow-ow! look. i knowyou're proud, ok? well, just let mehelp you up-- step it back,candy pants! fine. oh, what are wegonna do? i'm cold. i can't feel my body,i'm so cold. buddy,can you feel this?
try a little higher. what about that? mm-mmm. keep rubbing. oh, buddy, i don'tthink i'm re-- cindy, please! it's a matter of life and death. i'm asking you... in the name of love.
ok, buddy. oh, cindy, i don't know how much longer i can hold on. don't you sayyour good-byes. you're gonnaget out of here, and you're gonnago on, and you're gonna have lots of little babies.
and you're gonnadie an old man... old man. warm in his bed. not here! not like this! amen. do youunderstand me? coming to this house was the best thing that ever happenedto me.
oh, me, too. and for that... ohh! i am so thankful. oh, don't let go. never! i'll never let go! i feel weak. i'm com--
come back! all right, dwight hartman, it's your time to shine. all right. come on. come on, kane. show yourself! look. i don't even needmy thermal goggles. [tires squealing] dwight: oh!
ah. ah. that's right, mother-- whoa! hey, kane, you hungry? how about a littlesnack of this? huey: ha ha! ow. ow. no. ow. ow-ow-ow. [chuckles]
gotcha! huey: aaargh! i knowwhat you're thinking. did i fire 3 shots or 117? well, do you feel lucky... punk? do you... feel lucky?
do you feel lucky, punk? shoot me, motherfucker! ok. fine. make your best move,ass bite. raaa! aaah! oh. whayaaa! dwight: uh. help!
take my hand. ahh! hanson: come on. you're gonna fall unless you take my hand no. give meyour other hand. no. my other handisn't strong enough. you take my little hand. no! get itaway from me! take it!
take my hand! eww. no. why me? no. come on. no. i've served you well. don't you do this to me. no, please. please, no. ple-ple-ple-aah! it's time for usto get out of here.
[starts drill] [engine running] roger. roger.come in, roger. ray, this is cindy. i don't want to talk to cindy. i want to talkto roger. roger,where you at, man? quit fucking around. ray, listen.the ghost is close.
he almost got us.buddy's hurt. what'syour location? i'm right behind you. ray, thank god. ok. where's shorty? i don't--i don't know. he was here just a minute ago. ok. listen. you go help buddyin the lab.
i'm gonna gocheck upstairs. hanson: mmm. that smells good. hello, cindy. say helooto cindy, shorty. heloo... shorty, are you ok? talk to me! morphine? chloroform?
horsetranquilizers? you drugged him! i did not.that's all his stuff. yaah! all right, shorty. who's readyfor the main course? me! me. oh, hanson, please. no. oh.
hanson: what the fuck? beetlejuicein the house. this is your brainson drugs. hee! oof. oh, shit, son. [insane in the brain playing] brenda: shorty! got me.
cindy,what's going on? it's hanson.he's possessed. let's get him. [gasping] hanson: ahh. angel style! hi-yah! man: ♪ smack my bitch up ♪ whoo! ok.
boo! ♪ smack my bitch up ♪ [yelling] [fainter] aaaaaaah... oh, nooo! hi-yi! oh! ooh! [screaming]
[bell ringing] [moo] [thumping] ray: shit. you ok, dwight? i--i can'tfeel my legs. aah! i can't feel my legs! you never could. you stay out of this,all right?
now listen. you get the othersand meet us upstairs. all right? you stay here. ray-ray, i need your help. give me your belt. hah! heee! hmmm.
the crane. the crouching tiger. [both grunting] the drunken monkey. ooh ooh ooh ah ah ah! the mad cow. [mooing] motherfucker! moo!
the camel toe. yow-hi! [gibberish] get the hellout of there, guys! ray, give me a 180. someone has to goand lure him onto that platform. all right.i'll go. cindy, let me--
no, buddy! i'm the one he wants. actually, i was saying, let me have your computerif you die. ok. but as soon ashe gets there, you have to get off. all right. 180 me. hugh kane,it's me you want! come get me!
i'm not afraidanymore! show yourself! aah! oh! ooh. dwight, he's here.do something. i can't. she's stillon the platform. if i throw the switch, she'll die. cindy, get out of there!you're gonna get killed! move out of the way!
i'll get her! why is he runningso slow? ray! run faster! dwight:throw the switch! now you will be mine... forever! [sobbing] ray, you saved me. are you ok?
i'm fine. i broke my fall. ohh. ah. [everyone cheering] yes! hey, y'all. what's going on? shorty, you made it.you're alive! cindy: yeah.
it was traumatic. it really was, and it's taken mea while to get over it, but, you know, now that we'reout of the house and back in school, i just know thateverything's gonna be ok. oh, god, will youshut the fuck up? why couldn't you
have just left methere to die? give me a fucking rope. i'll hang myself. here i go.i'm hanging myself. [telephone rings] oh, hi, dad. are you having funon your vacation? oh, no. birds arevery clean animals. he's no trouble at all.
goddamn it! what the fuck did youput in this birdseed? [knock on door] oh, dad, buddy's here.i got to go. ok. i love you. bye. bird: god, that was a big one. hey, buddy! surprise. oh! you got to be quickerthan that, pencil dick.
[bee buzzing] hey, look out. a bee. oh! buddy,i've never had anyone be so protectiveof me before. that's what your man'ssupposed to do. uh, two hot dogs. buddy, get him! buddy? i've come back for you.
no! this can'tbe happening! mm-hmm.it is happening. now we're gonna betogether forever. nooooo! did you hear something? no. i didn'thear nothing. ♪ if you want to go and take a ride wit me ♪ ♪ wit 3 women in the fo wit the gold cd's ♪ ♪ oh, why do i live this way? ♪
♪ hey, must be the money ♪ ♪ if you want to go and get high with me ♪ ♪ smoke a l in the back of the benzie ♪ ♪ oh, why must i feel this way? ♪ ♪ wit 3 women in the fo with the gold d's ♪ ♪ if you want to go and get high wit me ♪ ♪ yo, i know something you don't know ♪ ♪ and i got something to tell ya ♪ ♪ you won't believe how many people ♪
♪ straight doubted the flow ♪ ♪ most said that i was a failure ♪ ♪ but now the same motherfuckers ♪ ♪ asking me for dough ♪ ♪ and i'm yelling, "i can't help ya" ♪ ♪ yo, nelly, can we get tickets to the next show? ♪ ♪ hell, no, you for real? ♪ ♪ hey, yo, now that i'm a fly guy ♪ ♪ and i fly high ♪
♪ niggas wanna know why, why i fly by ♪ ♪ but, yo, it's all good ♪ ♪ range rover all wood, do me like you should ♪ ♪ fuck me good, suck me good ♪ ♪ we be the stud niggas, wishing you was niggas ♪ ♪ popping like we drug dealers ♪ ♪ sippin' crissy, bud making ♪ ♪ honey in the club, me in the benz ♪ ♪ icy grip telling me to leave ♪
♪ wit you and your friends ♪ ♪ so if shorty wanna knock, we knockin' to dis ♪ ♪ and if shorty wanna rock, we rockin' to dis ♪ ♪ and if shorty wanna pop, we poppin' the cris ♪ ♪ shorty wanna see the ice, then i ice the wrist ♪ ♪ city talk, nelly listen, nelly talk, city listen ♪ ♪ wanna fuck fly bitches, when i walk, pay attention ♪ ♪ see the ice and the glist, niggas staring on the glist ♪ ♪ honeys look, no,they wish ♪
♪ come on boo, gimme kiss, come on ♪ [new song begins] ♪ she kept it coming, coming ♪ ♪ she kept it coming, coming, coming ♪ ♪ hey, what's up, dog? have a seat, peep ♪ ♪ what i'm about to tell you real, man ♪ ♪ this shit gets real deep ♪ ♪ about a week ago or sowhen i saw you up in the spot ♪ ♪ with that chick that was hot ♪
♪ but whatever ♪ ♪ to make a long story shorter ♪ ♪ she slipped me the number ♪ ♪ though i really didn't wanna, uh-uh ♪ ♪ and as the crowd is my witness, believe me ♪ ♪ i was minding my own business and she teased me, yeah ♪ ♪ she kept buying me and following me, see ♪ ♪ and the fact she was exotic wasn't making it easy ♪ ♪ she got close to me ♪
♪ i'm like, "lord forgive me" ♪ ♪ no one's around, she went down ♪ ♪ man, you get the picture be ♪ ♪ it was hypnotic, and she was so erotic ♪ ♪ i tried, but i just couldn't stop it ♪ ♪ she kept it coming ♪ ♪ it was hypnotic and so erotic ♪ ♪ i was in a similar situation ♪ ♪ one of my boys once invited me ♪
♪ with his family on a christmas vacation ♪ ♪ i went to ross and bought a present and everything ♪ ♪ but i kept it ♪ why? ♪ 'cause it looked dope on me ♪ ♪ they had a house on the beach in maui ♪ ♪ i had no idea that they were that rich ♪ ♪ his mom was a fat bitch ♪ ♪ but his sister was hot ♪
♪ i told myself not to touch it ♪ ♪ even though i want to fuck it ♪ ♪ i have a history of not listening to me ♪ ♪ she walked out in a bikini ♪ ♪ where no one could see me, believe me ♪ ♪ i tried real hard ♪ what happened? ♪ then my dick got real hard ♪ ♪ it was hypnotic, she was so erotic ♪
♪ ooh, when it's dark outside ♪ ♪ all my fears arise ♪ ♪ when it's dark outside ♪ ♪ all my fears ♪ ♪ sun's gone down, the light's all gone ♪ ♪ big-ass house and we're alone ♪ ♪ i hear voices, what i'm-a do? ♪ ♪ hear those noises, what i'm-a do? ♪ ♪ what's my choice here, run like a fool? ♪
♪ i'm long gone ♪ shh. ♪ what's that sound? ♪ ♪ everybody look what's floating round ♪ ♪ not too sure of what i see ♪ ♪ all i know is it's scaring me ♪ ♪ and just when you think it's over ♪ ♪ some new sound is coming towards me ♪ ♪ getting loud ♪
♪ i hear noises, where i'm-a go? ♪ ♪ hear those voices, head for the door ♪ ♪ what's my plan? don't know anymore ♪ ♪ something's wrong ♪ ♪ everybody look what's going down ♪ ♪ and why won't you let me be? ♪ ♪ go right now, you're scaring me ♪ ♪ here's something, so get back ♪ ♪ shorty looking at me like, "yo, let me hit that" ♪
♪ footsteps in the dark, whatcha gon' do? ♪ ♪ i was talking to this chicken ♪ oh. shit. ♪ is this a poltergeist or a heist? ♪ ♪ she robs some ♪ ♪ all the jewels, murdering tools ♪ ♪ we got some ♪ ♪ like cha-cha ♪ ♪ ready to open up shop ♪
♪ wreak havoc on the block ♪ ♪ now love it, don't stop ♪ ♪ come on ♪
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