[heavy breathing] [moaning] [grunting] [music playing] hey, [inaudible]get going soon. and then ken and iran around the corner straight into the twocops who just dropped-- oh, you didn't! --mm-hm.
and then we were, butt-naked,being arrested by the same two cops twice in the one night. twice! [laughter] sorry, guys. can i start toclear those for you? go ahead. so ken's telling themthe reason we're naked and roaming the streetsis because someone broke
into our house, stoleall our clothes, and we're chasing after him. and the cop says,what did he look like? who? [laughs] come on, keep up. the one who stole our clothes. so ken says, fuck, mate. i didn't see him.
i was too busybanging your sister. [groans] but i was woken upat 4:00 in the morning by the police asking if iwant to bail my husband out, and can i bring some undies? it was the best damnfuneral i've ever been to. oh! if i got a call from the policetelling me steve was naked-- you'd be running down there!
yeah. no, no, no, no. no, i'd leave him there. you would not. i would! i have a feeling that stevewould be a-ok with that one, eh? i'd pay for it. quit being such a classy guy.
i'm off.got recording in the morning. (high-pitched voice) i've gota recording in the morning. [groans]-oh, darling. shit, where are my keys? how is the old gameshow going, anyway? great! how you doing? jeremy. good.
morning, bob. morning, steven. well, fuck me. thirty minutes early. i just wanted to make surei'm not holding anyone up. yeah, well, if you gave arat's ass every other day, i wouldn't have an ulceras big as bigfoot's balls, now, would i? now, that is gross, boss.
but i still love you. see you in 30. uh, 29. ethan, how's myfavorite intern today? 29! 27! a bit wasted, actually-- hey, if that's a messageto your boyfriend, i'm going to be very jealous.
i'm sending a text to my mom. ah. well, what kind of message doyou send to the boys, then? ok, sweetheart,you have my number. i'd love to readyour prose sometime. [inaudible] you are beautiful, aren't you? oops, sorry. [panting]
[cell phone rings] steve (on tv): welcome backto the show, where we have mrs. elspeth zonti on[inaudible], getting ready to play for the$100,000 question. so, uh, elspeth,welcoem to the show. what are you doingback-- do you have a job? elspeth (on tv): yes,i decorate special [inaudible] and wedding cakes. steve (on tv): oh, so you inventyour own original designs?
elspeth (on tv): i do. steve (on tv): what kind ofwedding cake would you bake me? elspeth (on tv): [inaudible] steve (on tv): isn't shesweet, ladies and gentlemen? [applause] elspeth (on tv): are youthinking of getting married? [gasps] steve (on tv): i'llput it this way, you never know what disastersthe future may hold.
[laughter] so elspeth, are youready to play for the question that could land you $100,000? now, how can you be talking tome and on tv at the same time? right, the wondersof television. again? can't we-- can'twe just stay in? all right. yup. ok.
steve. nothing. it's all right. bye. [game show music playing] [screaming excitedly] steve (on tv):we'll be right back! what's the specials tonight? (french accent) ah, tonightwe have a filet [inaudible].
it comes with[inaudible], stuffed with caviar, a sour creamsauce, and roasted capers. well, that soundslike it's for me. alex, what would you like? isn't there something simple? ah, well, there's thebaby lamb [inaudible] sir. it comes with the avantiblanc and the jus de poire. what is that? it's a bit like a hot pot.
right. that'll do. and-- and the usual oystersto start with, shall we? -oysters?-yeah. frisky. you know, we could eatat home if we ate at home. that makes no sense. have you noticed wedon't have a home? what we have is apleasure wonderland.
(scoffing) pleasure wonderland? what are youtalking about, alex? we have a beautiful home. it's an apartment, not a home. we're building a beautifulhouse on the beach. yeah, i know we're building,steve, but-- thanks. look, i know we're building. but how does that makethis different than how we're living now?
why? you want to nest? yes. yeah, i want to nest. well, you know, i want a nest. don't you? nesting sounds soold and boring, alex. i'm not talking aboutwearing matching track suits and watching "m a s h" all day.
i'm talking abouthaving a home-- i like "m a s h." i'm talking abouthaving a home, ok? like a proper home, andactually living in it. [scoffs] what? [rapping on window][excited giggling] don't panic. fuck it.
i have to keep the fans happy. shit. hey, girls! aren't they sweet? [rapping] [scoffs] too funny. [sighs] fuck off. don't be like that. can we please getthe fuck out of here?
what do you mean,go somewhere else? no, i mean-- i mean go home. it's not our home, alex.it's an apartment. oh, come on. you know what i mean, justget a movie, get some thai. just you and me at our place? look, what's the problem? i want more, steve. all right?
i want to feel likethat we're a family and that we're not justfucking around here. we're building a house fromthe ground up on the beach. now, that seems---yeah, i want-- --a little bit morethan fucking around to me, don't you think, alex? i want something real. well, this is not going tobe made out of fucking legos. not just aboutthe house, steve.
well, what the-- whatthe fuck is it about? huh? you tell me. [burps] waiter. [snaps fingers] wouldyou like a drink? no. two glasses of wine, please. red.
one. can you get me a bottle? hey, you want towatch something? i'll leave it to you. [woman moaning] well, good morning. good morning. are we ready to get excited? if you're offering.
whoo-hoo! we found the ideal site. where? -down by ocean grove.-coffee time! -ocean grove?-yeah, it's perfect. what's wrong with that? well, it's his money. uh, here we go. cafe latte for you.
thank you. and a flat white for you, sir. thank you, sir. now, there's-- there'ssomething i really want. ah, the s&m room. all black, leather harness,porn, mirrors on the ceiling. oh yeah, that's-- that's funny. no, i'm being serious. ok, we're listening.
i want a nursery. -um---he means a [inaudible]. no, no, no. no, i mean a nursery. yeah?-yeah, easy. easy. everyone should have a nursery. um, yeah. uh, easy, easy.
look, um, yeah, wecould-- we could put one here, on the south side,overlooking the herb garden. you get that-- thatmorning light-- morning sun, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah, beautiful. with its own bathroom here here,and some sort of-- um-- can you put in a recroom, like there? um, well, yeah. i mean, you see the overhang.-yeah.
if we knock that down-- whoa, hey, guys. we should thinkabout this before we start knocking down walls. don't you think, alex? [car alarm] mm, oh, shit, actually. i've got another meetingin about half an hour. so i'd better, um, take off.
i will be free all daytomorrow, steven, so, um, give me a buzz, all right?-thanks see you later. was i supposed to know? when were you going to tell me? [scoffs] how would you feel,right, about expanding this? a baby? yes, a baby. alex, are you outof your fucking mind?
what, do you wantto get me pregnant? come on, steve-- do-- do you want meto get you pregnant? alex, it doesn't fucking work-- i want a family. i want to be a family. you know, why shouldn'twe bring up a child? it's not a questionof should or shouldn't. it's a question of can or can't.
and i-- we can't conceive. so that leaves one otherthing, and that's adoption. society is changing. well, laws aren't! yeah, but steve, we're--we're two responsible people with great income-- i know it's fucked,alex, but that still doesn't change the factthat they only give babies to husbands and wives.
and how do we prove anythingabout our relationship? i mean, it will be years beforethey change their laws-- years. i'd give up anything, anything. i'd give up my job if i had to. i want to be a dad, you know? i'm ready. this would change everything. hey, hey. i know.
but you need tomake an appointment to see a consultant, and ofcourse, to bring your partners. we are a couple. yes, but you need to bringyour partners, of course. the consultantwon't see singles, and your partnerswill need to bring proof of the relationship,be it marriage or de facto. we take wedding certificates,bank records, things like that. yeah, i don't thinkyou understand--
we'll also need proof ofentitlement, meaning wills, so in the event of your death,your wife will get the car, boat, house, et cetera. super annuationstatement showing benefactor, life insurancepolicy showing benefactor. so if you just want toread over the books, you know, it's gotall the info there. uh, let me explain. i'm-- all right-- i'malex thomson, and this--
this is steven evans. [gasps] oh! i knew i'd seen you before! you're on tv. steven evans, "guess what." yes, that's right. so you and your partner--is it your wife-- you want an adoption. well, we could find you afoster child straight away,
but adoption's along, long wait. we can, of course, arrangean ivf consultation-- no, no, nothing like that. --no, i didn'tthink you would. no. [chuckling] look, i'll tell you what. i can, um, squeezeyou in first thing friday morning with dr. zekey. have you heard of dr. zekey?i haven't--
"zee-kee." he's very good. this application, it-- it'squite confidential, isn't it? oh, yes! i mean, the media's so-- intrusive? of course! look, it's totally confidential. no need to make anappointment just yet.
hey, hey, hey--how about-- why? why can't we make anappointment just yet? well, it's really more formy friend here, you see. [phone ringing] friend? yeah, i'm his friend. [non-english speech] [ding] [chattering]
what's wrong? i just can't sleep. why don't you come back to bed? i told you. i can't sleep. what the fuck? there's someone takingphotos of me, of the building. yeah, look, right there. there's someone taking photos.
alex, just stay here. i'll go. hey! what are you doing,you fucking creep? fuck you, i'm notdoing anything wrong. why are you runningaway for, then? huh?-fuck you! alex (into camera): well, herewe are, building-- building a-- oh, can you behave?
can you actuallywalk normal, please? alex (into camera): excuse me. excuse me, what--what's your name? uh, brett.alex (into camera): brett? all right.i'm alex. how are you doing?-good. alex (into camera):how's it all going? like, how far away do you thinkwe are from-- from moving in? eh, [inaudible] right now,almost for lock up, so--
alex (into camera): yep. your feet-- you'vegot very nice calves. [laughing] alex (into camera):is it-- do you-- are you serious?alex (into camera): no, you do! are you commentingon my calves? alex (into camera): yeah!yeah, yeah, yeah. you do. i mean, i'm just-- i'm justsaying, like you must--
do you work out outside this, oris this sort of the job that-- uh, i play footy, so-- alex (into camera):oh, you play football? yeah, yeah. alex (into camera):with lots of guys-- this our view. our view. it's a good spot. it's a great spot.
wait, what do i say-- you head's in the way. listen, ocean grovewill be a great spot. you were right. alex (into camera):come on, say something. come on, this is, uh--this is your project. come on, tell us alittle bit about it. for developing these plans,we thank you for doing this, because we couldn't have--
thank you guys forpaying me so much-- alex (into camera):kiss-- kiss the camera. i've grossly overcharged you--i'm not kissing the camera. alex (into camera): tell ushow much you love this project by kissing the camera. we want to see commitment! ok, all right! alex, you're going to have todesign those bathrooms quickly. one in white, andone pink for the baby.
alex! you know how mydesigns are in demand. originality-- and imagination linkedwith practicability. yeah, this is nothingto do with design. it's to do withlegality and gender. yeah, well, ourgender is our design, and we have a design problem. look, all we have todo is find some way
to make our money moreimportant to these people than our design.-what? you want to bribethe adoption agency? well, i want to makeit worth their while. this isn't fuckingtelevision, alex! you-- you can'toffer them a price and expect to make a deal. and have you eventhought whether or not you'll love the baby?
of course i'll lovethe baby, steve. -will you?-yes. you-- you expect just to lookat a baby and say, i love you? because i don't think i coulddo that, just look at a baby and go, i love you,you're my child. you're being fucking ridiculous! no amount of moneyis going to change the fact that officially andlegally, we're not a couple. [game show in background]
listen, i told ajayyou're a solid worker and that he should moveyou up the ranks a little. really? yeah, of course, really. i told you i'd look after you. it's not going tohappen overnight. it may take a littlewhile to get moving. but i'm onto it. now get the fuck out of here.
go on. come on, slow poke. oh, shut up. mr. competition. nice running style. shut up! [text alert] what's that? give us a look.
give-- give it here. "if you're interested in thefamily, but can't conceive, call nancy at dreamland.com." well, that sounds aboutright, doesn't it? dreamland. you know, babiesmanufactured to your choice, just pay us a billion dollars. no, no, no, look, she wants toput up her baby for adoption. she's flogging her babyon the internet, alex.
oh, just give it to me. she wants to put up herbaby for adoption privately. -don't sugarcoat it.-i'm not sugarcoating anything! it's either that orit's a fucking scam. will you just try this with me? alex, it won't work. it won't work? oh, it won't work? all right, wellthen, prove it to me.
prove to me this won't work,because i'm ready for this. fine. fine? but when this doesn'twork, you agree to stop. this is it. if-- if this doesn'twork, then we're done. we tried our best,but it's over. agreed? -if?-if.
if. she's late. it's only three minutes, shemay have got the wrong place. [high heels tapping] do you think that was her? no, she doesn't have adog with her, does she? no, she doesn'thave a dog with her, but she doesn't have ababy with her either. look, i-- i don't thinkshe's going to show, alex.
fuck it, let's go.-no! no, i'm staying. you stay, i'm going. steve, just-- excuse me? yes? i'm looking for alittle white dog. a dog-dog? yeah, a little white dog.
are you nancy, or--? where's your partner? uh, she couldn't make it, buti brought a friend instead. this is-- hi, i'm chris. what-- uh, wait, please! -i've got to go.-wait, wait. please, please, please! where's-- where's your wife,or your girlfriend, or whatever?
look, let's just sitdown and have a coffee. look, it's a bit--it's a bit complicated, but i'll explain everything. please. but i can't stay long. i've got to get to [inaudible]. i'll explain everything. i've really got to go,because i've got to get to-- that's ok, that's ok.
look, um-- chris is-- i'm his partner. -[scoffs]-look-- no! please, please, just sit down. please just listen. one minute, one coffee. ok? i've really got toget more [inaudible], they can't get mein before 4:00.
all right, all right. um, i'll get the coffees. cappuccino, latte, macchiato-- hot chocolate? --long black, short black? what will it be? a scone. a scone? two scones.
all right, two scones. thanks. please, sit. must be great to have a baby. i haven't got it yet. oh, she's-- she'saway, or-- something? no, you just can'tsee it, not yet. [scoffs] i'm pregnant. pregnant?
[sniffs] pregnant. i just-- i don't understand. i mean-- -what, why?-why? why, why-- why i put the ad up? why i wanted to sell it? 'cause i've got no moneyand nowhere to fucking go,
that's why. so i could sell it to--a nice couple, you know. and you seemed pretty cool. and i get here, and all ifind is a-- a couple of fags. yeah, all right. ok, look. nancy? nancy, we can help you, ok? with-- with the birth,with the pregnancy.
all of it. other people have contactedme, straight people. yeah, i-- i understand that. but we can help you. it'll cost money, you know. i'm not donating. of course. i have to think about it. i've got to go.
chris will be backin a-- in a minute. i'll contact you. he'll-- i'll give you a call. nancy-- [airplane engine] alex, you're stressingme out about this. i can't talk now. i'm at work.
look, i'll give you acall on the way home. all right, bye. i love you, too. sounds like someone's gotyou on a short leash there. hey, ajay. it's not veryoften that we see-- now, listen, steven,i want to talk to you about some rumorsthat are flying around upstairs at the moment.
has someone said they'rehaving my love child-- no, no. there's a lot of talk goingaround about you sucking cock. sucking cock? normally, i don't listento the shit that gets thrown around upstairs,but these rumors are filtering up from the bottom. and when they come from below,you know, i tend to listen. nobody knows dirtlike the plebs.
well, who's saying it? well, i don't wantto be saying anything. now, i don't give ashit where you stick your cock in your spare time. you want to go dirt track? that's your business. but my business is thisshow, and our demographic is the nanas and the fatold housewives that tune in everyday to watchyour pretty little mug
smiling back ather so they can get all sopping wet in their seats. steven, no one is goingto tune in to watch a fag give away prizes. even for sbs, thisis prime time, mate. mate, i'm prime time. good! then i'll go and tell the rumormill to go and fuck itself. yeah, do that.
you know what? they're just jealous that iget more pussy than they do. [inaudible] get pussy? you watch, they'll startcalling me elton john. hey, elton! fuck. [sighs] who the fuck would be talking? it's bound to happen, steve.
you're on tv, people say shit. but they'd be saying iteven if you were straight. everyone has a g-a-yscandal at times-- yeah, but i am! that's the problem. hey, that's not a problem. the studio doesn't wanta fag as a host, alex. oh, don't say that word! oh, well, how is"unemployed" for a word?
you like that? they're not going tofire you for sucking cock. oh, no, they won't fire me. they'll just replaceme, won't they? yeah, well, then youshouldn't be working for them. i like my job. i like what i do,and i like who i am. who are you? steven evans.
i took on this jobknowing full well the studio doesn'twant a faggot host-- don't say that word! oh, fuck the word! this is my career we'retalking about here. you do like sucking cock. oh, that's all right,i've got this one. here you are, steven. so how's your day been?
why's it been shit? just a shit day, charlie. well, if there's anythingi can do to make it better, all you have to do is ask. that i will, charlie. that i will. well, what are wecelebrating here? nancy. nancy, nancy, nancy.
she contacted me. she wants to meet us. great. when? don't know yet. look, nancy, we'lllook after you. we'll get youeverything you need. and you're free to changeof mind if you want. no strings attached.
no strings attached? like i said, i'vehad other offers. yeah, i'm sure you have. but we-- we'll matchthem, we'll double them. within reason, of course. your partner creeps me out. he doesn't say much. he's just the silent time,but he wants this just as much as me.
(scoffing) yeah. don't you, chris? chris! yes, of course. and he means it. he means it. you know, we both do. we just-- we just want toknow that you're for real. look, i know you haven'tknown us that long, nancy,
but you can-- it's nerine. my name's nerine, not nancy. i just didn't want to use myreal name on the internet. look, nerine, we can help you. i don't want this baby. [coughing] i just want cash, ok? cash.
i just want to forgetabout the whole thing. look, nerine, i wantto give you something to show you that we're serious. yeah? will you just her the cash? this is just as a start. i need to go pee. she's probablygoing to run, alex. fucking hell!
she's in the toilet! she's probablynot even pregnant. have you thought aboutthe father-- hiv/aids? who the fuck knows what? i want this one. you're living in a dream world. well, i like it there. you can have it. [construction noises]
there you go. holy shit! [chuckling] it's fucking big! how many bedrooms has it got? four. there's a special one for thebaby, with its own bathroom. what the fuck does a babyneed its own bathroom for? so when they get older, theycan have their own space.
it's a load morethan i got as a kid. we just wanted tomake sure the baby had everything it could want. exactly. spoiled if you ask me. hey, you could helpdesign the nursery. yeah, you know? you could choose the--the colors, or the drapes, or one of those mobilethings above the cot?
no, you do it. i'll do it. guys, come on! the beach is waiting. come on! alex, i thoughtyou might want this. and this. nerine-- nerine,it's-- it's beautiful! i think it's ugly.
looks like an alien. but it's your baby! it's not my baby, alex. it's yours. it's just in me. --[gasps] are you sureyou don't want these? i'm sure. i don't want this. man (on tape): whereis a good restaurant?
[speaking french] the menu, please. i'm heading off. man (on tape): [speaking french]i like my steak well done. yeah-- yeah, i'll be home soon. i just have to stay backand have a chat with bob, and i'll be out of here. [sighs] fucking babies. what's cooking, good looking?
i don't cook. jump in. [car starting] what a shame, it lookslike there's no one around. no audience for mr. tv man. good. [police siren] well, having people watchis half the fun, isn't it? i spend all my life infront of the camera. you've got to havesomething for yourself.
i think i'd love tospend some time in front of the camera with you. who knows, maybe you couldfind yourself a new career? --[laughing] ah, thereare limits, my friend. charlie, there are limits. oh, i don't have any limits. you're about to find that out. here we are. is this good enough?
oh, this looks very naughty! [seat belt unbuckling] well? [clothing rustling] [moaning] keep ongoing! [moaning] oh! oh, fuck! keep going? oh, fuck.oh! the fuck?
get the fuck out of here! oh, shit! fuck off! [beeping] what the fuck-- all right, let's go. fucking belts. let's get out of here. oh, fuck.
you all right? you'll have to walk from here. yeah, cool. you know, youshould, um-- you call me, or text me, or something,if you want to do this again. now, listen, charlie,you're not going to mention this to anyone, are you? [scoffs] no. what do you think i am, stupid?
i'm serious. you just keep your mouth shut. well, most of the time anyway. see you later, chuck. fuck! what are you doing? shit! [sobbing] hello?
nerine? what-- we're on our way. uh, nerine, she wasadmitted-- she's pregnant. birthing. she's birthing? fuck-- having a baby? where is she? who-- who are you after? nerine.
surname? evans. mm, no evans. nerine-- nerine,that's all i know. nerine! mm, ooh, here we are. nerine thomson. she's in delivery room b. it'sstraight down the corridor, follow the blueline to your left.
uh-- just the father. is-- are you the father? yeah, yes.yes, he is. well, i'm afraid you'regoing to have to wait here. wait, what? he's family! i'm her brother-- i'mher half brother, her only living relative, you can't-- you can see her later.
steve! alex, i've got to go. hey, ok? it'll be ok. [ambulance siren] [announcer on loudspeaker] man (on loudspeaker): dr. kelly,prepare clinical operations [inaudible]. dr. kelly.
daddy, you've got a baby boy. oh, there you go! there he is! hello! he's going to be a surferwhen he grows up, alex. [gasping] listen to this. it's to the generalmanager at the firm. dear richard, sometime ago, i attended
a seminar where anexecutive from london had a look at my work. he'd since contacted me andoffered me a great position with his firm-- "he's," not "he'd." "he's." "he's since?" he's since contactedme and offered me a great position with hisfirm in the new york office. i think you know i've alwayswanted to experience some
of the americanindustry, and would like to offer my resignation. i've always enjoyedworking at graphica, and would like to thank youfor your never failing support over the last few years. it's been a great experienceworking with the team, and blah, blah,blah, blah, blah. are you sureyou're set on this? yeah!
i didn't go through all thisjust to never be around him. you do love him, don't you? of course i do. you know i do. i just want to make sureyou're not going to do anything that you're going to regret. excuse you. excuse me. look, i'm not going toregret anything, all right?
i'll open my ownfreelance connection. i'll call it at design. you know, there's always theoption of a full-time nanny. no, no, no, no, no. i don't want anybodyelse raising my child. our-- our child. -mm.-sorry. our child. well, so much for the castle.
--[sighs] guess we can ruleout a career in architecture. i think he might bebetter at demolition. demolition? oh, don't say that. he'll wind up wearingking g and hanging out with guys called bubba. don't be an elitist. what's up with you? it's hard.
being a dad? no, hiding it. one of the makeup girlscame in the other day with a photograph ofher two-year-old son. i had to bite my tonguenot to tell her about sam. i mean, it's hard enoughnot telling her about you, but-- but him. me? [screaming]
[dramatic music (on tv)] daddy? jesus, can you just take him? sure. you got him? yay, baby sam! [baby crying] what's the matter? i just think he's in a mood.
a what? a mood. a mood, you know.he's being cranky. shh! infants don't have moods. hey, hey, what's wrong with you? hey, steve, nothing'swrong with me, all right? i'm going down to the shop. i'm going to get some milk.
we've got milk. yeah, it's off. hey, hang on-- hang on. we'll all go. to the shops? yeah, i don't think so. [chainsaw (on tv)]won't be long. [screaming (on tv)] [baby cooing]
hey. are you going tocry again on me? oh, that tickles. yeah, you like that, don't you? mm? you like being hung upsidedown, too, don't you? don't you?yeah? [giggling] ahah, uh oh!
uh oh! i'm stuck upside down-- [moaning (on tv)] [door opens] took a while. i went for a walk. felt like some exercise. i, uh, got some baby milk. and, um, organic [inaudible].
sam's asleep. that's good. that's good, he-- he needed it. so, dinner? [sighs] yup. dinner. [wind chimes] we are not of thee, norare we children at all. we are nothing, lessthan nothing, and dreams.
we are only whatmight have been, and must wait uponthe tedious shores, or let the millionsof ages before we have existence and a name. what is it? "dream-children, areverie," by charles lamb. [interposing voices] all right, this is [inaudible]. sammy!
he's looking-- helikes the helicopters. maybe he wants to be apilot, or something like that. he's got the rightjacket for it. i think he does. a happy pilot. a happy pilot! he likes upside down! no, no! god, no!
get it! all right, allright, all right. get it, get it! [whistles] hey, uh,this is a surprise. how are you? [rain pattering] alex, i'm going tocome down tomorrow, ok? uh, ok, sure, whenever. i can come pick youup later, if you want.
no, i can get a--a mate to drive me. how's sammy? [coins clink] [beeping] [beep] what do you thinkthis could be about? money. [doorbell] [slurping] [thunder] it's her fucking kid.
it's hers. she's its mom. nerine, if-- you said that anytime i changed my mind, that i could come back. but we made an arrangement. that was thearrangement, chris. there you go, chris. chris, problem solved.
--[sighs] all right, ok, let'sbe reasonable about this. if you really want sam back,then we won't oppose you-- what the fuck you doing? but we want toknow all the facts. now, it was made-- --[snapping fingers]hey, hey, hey! [whistles] you fuckingtalk to me, all right? you don't worry about her. you talk to me.
and who the fuck are you? well, i'm gladyou asked, steven. it's chris. [laughing] baby, havewe got the right house? you sure? this is the number 3, isn't it? no, i'm only joking. i'm only joking. no, i'm-- i'm really sorry.
i'll tell you what, i'llbet your viewers don't know about this little fuckinggame show going on here, do they? so if you don't give herback the fucking kid, mate, you won't be giving hugs to yourfucking precious fans anymore. you won't be shining yourpearly fucking whites on telly. you'll be getting fistsin your fucking arse until you fuckingbleed in jail, cunt. but i bet you'd love that,wouldn't you, princess?
blackmail's a criminal offense. what do you call fuckingtricking young girls into getting their fucking kid? who the fuck are you? [baby toy] show themyour ring ring, eh? see? show 'em your ring. see, we're fucking married. come to think of it, that makesme the kid's legal guardian--
oh, that's debatable. you're not even the real father. how the fuck do you know? sammy might be getting alittle brother one day. make a real family, somethingyou two fucking faggots will never be able to manage. listen, jake, maybe wecan work something out. alex, be careful-- -shut-- just shut the fuck up!-just let me--
-just me fucking do this---just give us a week, nerine! -oh, ho ho.-one week! a week for them-- [baby crying]--to fucking get on a plane-- one-- one week. --and then we'll neversee those cunts again. shut the fuck up, i'mnot talking to you. it's all right, jakey. i'll tell you who'sall right, sweetie. ok?-it's all right.
no, i'll tell youwho's all right. right now, i'm sayingthey're full of fucking shit. i'll pay you, cash-- now, just shut up! how much? it's a risk we'retaking, how fucking much? $5,000, just until we getthis clear in our minds. why not? ding ding.
--[laughing] ding,ding, ding, ding, ding! we have a winner,ladies and gentlemen! mr. and mrs. faggotjust bought themselves one week's stinking time. that's what i'm liking. hey, want to go see him? come on, come on. go get the fucking key. hey, we're givingyou five grand--
nay, you're givingus five grand to see whether or not we'll letyou see the fucking kid again, all right? [punch] [yelling] just calm down, sweetie. calm down, sweetie-- you're a fucking cunt! i'm just going to grabmy shit and leave.
is that all right with you? you're a real fuckingcunt, do you hear me? maybe if i didn'thave a fucking ear, perhaps sammy oughtto be able to fucking hear you better, huh? maybe if i didn't havean ear, perhaps sammy won't be able tofucking hear you better. follow me. i dare you.
[thumping hood] got it! got it! going for a ride, mate. here we go! here we go. [car starts][loud music (on stereo)] [car stalls] [squeaking] [car starts][loud music (on stereo)] [dance music] so what are you doingover the weekend?
well, i was planning onhaving a little dinner party. ooh! but i'm not going to beinviting these two [inaudible]. this is the excitement. richard, hey, how are you? good, good. this is, uh, sandra. hi! -this is julian.-hi.
and, uh, this ismy friend, steve. oh, hi. so how was new york? yeah, good. it's good. it's good to see you. yeah, you too. yeah, you know, i've got clientsthat still miss you, you know. how about, uh, i get you tocome back and work again?
oh, i don't know. so everything good? yeah, man. yeah, couldn't be better. well, um, come and havea drink with us, yeah? share your stories aboutthe life in the pearl of the civilized world, eh? well, well. hm!
any other travel secretsyou'd like to share? yeah, how is new yorkat this time of year? new york, new york! where else are you going? bahamas next? god, what is wrong withboth of you tonight? come on, it's something. shots, maybe? god, gus has got more life inbed than both of you, honestly.
and that's after a few beers. like a bunch of dead fish. mm! bugger, don't worry about them. so tell me moreabout this dinner party we're going to have. well, i was thinkingseafood-themed. no! i'm over seafood.
let's do greek. [music fades] oh, fuck off. fuck, kid, if youdon't fucking shut up, i'll fucking shut you up! never mind him, jakey. [pounding on door] i'm trying tofucking listen, kid! i'm trying to fucking listen!
fucking shut up,you fucking kid! what's the fuckingmatter with you? fucking mind yourown fucking business! [pounding on door] what isyour fucking shit-- fucking give him nothing! fuck you, kid! fuck and do that allfucking day, too, you know! leave him thefuck alone, jakey! --i could fucking do it allfucking day, longer than you,
you fucking kid! you fucked up kid! whaa! [whirring noise] he's not going to let samgo for any single amount. he's got the perfectblackmail scenario now. each time he goes broke,he's going to threaten to tell the world about us. i could fucking kill the cunt.
i will fucking kill the cunt. alex, listen. i'll fucking kill him. it's not the end of the world. i mean, we could take a break. i-- i could have a nervousbreakdown or something, you know? we'll go away. why would you care?
you know, he stole our baby,and you want to take a holiday? how could just say that? you're the one that wantsto go off to the west indies! he's my son! your son? [stammers] our son. don't you think i know that? i don't know! i've lost my son, too.
oh, you didn't lose him. you paid that prick to take him. you let him go, youfucking tipped like you were tipping one of yourfucking waiter friends for good service.-oh, fuck you. you're a fucking joke. fuck you! you're a fucking joke! nobody made him.
nobody forced. you did! he wasn't even ours. he was never ours. i want you to leave. get out. get the fuck out! hey, kimber, sweetheart. i want to get messy.
i want to get fucked up. [dramatic music] [buzzer] man (on intercom):yeah, come up. [snorting] what the fuck happened? i've had a fuck few days. sit. i don't think ican go home tonight.
i-- i don't think i can go home. we had a fight. over what? family. [scoffs] oh, that one. yeah, always givesme the twitch. me too. [inaudible] i don'tknow, i need more. i just-- i don't know.
steven, it is ok tonot want to settle down. you are allowed to justgive a fuck about yourself. i mean, babiesaren't for everyone. we knew we had to be careful. he should respect who you are. fucking alex. stop worrying about him. worry about you, mate. listen, tim--
[struggling] stop! stop! fuck-- what the fuck, steven? get the-- get the fuck out! [door slams] morning. i lost my keys. where'd you go last night? no-- don't tell me.
i'm sorry. [ragged breathing] [sobbing] i miss you both. [tv static] --[nuzzling] there'ssomething i need you to do. [inaudible] hey, yougot to go for me. i can't go to them, jakey. i can't. [slap]
i'll fucking do it! i'll find a guy and i'll getyou a couple of hundred, easy! fucking [inaudible] [screams] [crying] you fucking will! you'll tell them allyour fucking troubles! i swear! you fucking did thatonce before, remember? (crying) i swear i'lljust get the money!
fuck off. just get the-- listen to me, don'tfucking hit me, bitch. eh? you fucking hit me? fucking try. (loudly) fucking try it again! fucking try it again! as if i want fucking petty cash.
does it fuckinglook like i want it? i want $100,000 fucking dollars. i want $100,000-- how the fuck-- --dollars! don't fucking [inaudible] back. i want 100 grand-- how the fuck am i meantto ask for that much money? --by fucking tomorrow.
(sobbing) what if theydon't give it to me? jakey, what if theydon't give it to me? what did we get the kid for? hey, sammy! [giggling] what did we getthe fucking kid for, eh? what the fuck didwe get him for? all right, jakie, jakie. i'll go, i'll go, i'll go. i've got to take, jake.
i've got to take him. i've got to take-- i've gotto take sammy with me-- i-- you fucking won't take him! i have to take him with me,otherwise they won't give me-- you fucking won't fuckingtake him with you! you fucking bitch! you fucking don't come back! you fucking don't come backor i'll fucking stitch him-- please don't hurt him!
--into sam. i'll fucking stick one into you. if you don't fuckingcome back, i'll fucking [inaudible] all right? [screaming] stop it, please! you fucking [inaudible] [static] [static gets louder] [scream]
oy, squid lips, get yourhand off it, we're on. fuck me, kimber! you're going to forceus into a later time slot dressed like that. i love it! well, if you thinkit's too much, maybe you should comeand dress me next time. well, unfortunately, myspecialty is undressing, isn't it, sweetheart?
hm, that works as well. no thanks. [squeaking] come on, you don'tneed to go, eh? [baby toy] where you going to go? come on. (soothingly) hey, hey, hey. (softly) come on.
mm. it's ok, jakey. we have exclusive uncensoredfootage of steven evans' wild sex romp in melbournethat everybody's talking about and that channel 4didn't want you to see. let's take a look. you never know who'sgoing to be watching. fucking bullshit! [voices on tv]
how the fuck? how did you fucking get that? shut up, sammy. don't worry, baby. it'll be all right. narrator (on tv): the embryois now starting to take shape. fucking [inaudible]. narrator (on tv): thetop-- the trunk of the body stretches down below.
the head doesn't lookmuch like a head yet. but at day 15, nervecells begin to form in what will becomethe brain, as well as in the spinal column-- jakey? narrator (on tv):--which is exposed and totally unprotectedby either skin or bone. jake? [brakes squealing]
there's still somemore stuff in the cot. alex, get the stuff. nerine, get sam and takehim downstairs in the car. sammy, say, bye-bye. bye-bye, sammy. doesn't he look odd to you? he doesn't have a pulse. all right, i'mcalling triple zero. hey, put it away.
we don't have to call anyone. we can't! yes, we can. alex, get that stuffand go downstairs now. now! [car starts] now he's yours, [inaudible]. he always was. alex, i--
i know, uh, we don't haveany legal right to him. i-- i know that. and if, you know, if youneed to be around him, i-- i understand that. i-- i know how hard itis to be away from him. maybe one day i can be likeauntie nerine or something. for right now, ijust need to go away. i'm going to go to bed. nerine, you know, stay foras long as you want, ok?
you know that? stay, stay forever,if you want to. forever? nothing lasts forever. sam: but the sadtruth to all this is that, legally, we'reonly sam's guardians. in the eyes of the law, we'rehis protectors, his providers, his defenders, and his friends. but the law will not allowus to be called his fathers.
now, i want everyman and woman to be able to feel thejoy that i feel, so i've decided to endmy career in television and join the g&l alliancefor the sole purpose of completely legalizingadoption for same-sex couples. [cheering] how do you feel? proud. my dad called.
wants to meet up. scared, alex? being scared, it-- itdoesn't mean you're weak. i just want sam tofeel proud of me. he will be. we've witnesses the commitmentof two people in love. two men, which is right. but it doesn't only mean aunion between steven and alex, it also signifies a family.
steven, alex, andtheir son, sam, whom they will nurture andbring up to be the man they want him to be. ladies and gentlemen, igive you steven and alex. [whooping] [honking] [glass clinking]ladies and gentlemen, please charge your glassesand join me in a toast to the happy couple, thetwo grooms, alex and steven.
alex and steven!
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