[disclaimer read by kaiserneko] piccolo: 'alright now, hear me out:so i fire the special beam cannon with one hand, right?' nail: 'yeah?' piccolo: 'what if i used...' piccolo: 'what if i used...two hands?' nail: 'you mean like the kamehameha?' piccolo: 'no! not like the kamehameha!the kamehameha doesn't *drill* things!' nail: 'last time i checked, neither do cannons.' piccolo: 'thaaat's what makes it special!'
[dragon makes playful noises]gohan: hey, mr. piccolo! look what i found - it's a dragon! nail: 'who's that?' piccolo: 'it's just gohan. if you ignore it, it'll go away.' [dragon continues to make noises]gohan: he's a western style dragon. [dragon continues to make noises]i taught him how to dance. show him icarus! [gohan joins in by whistling]nail: 'so do you just ignore all of your problems?' piccolo: 'no. some of them i invite to live in my *head*.' nail: 'well, i'm sorry, it's just that there's so much space in here i didn't think you'd-' '-ahhhh! oh my god, what the hell is that?!'
piccolo: 'ahh! i don't know!it's like someone's torturing a frickin' cat!' mr. popo: [humming] ...what? kami: mr. popo, are you torturing a cat?! mr. popo: oh come on kami, i don't torture cats. mr. popo's bitch: jynx, jynx! mr. popo: bitch, shut up! nail: 'make it stop!!'
piccolo: 'gohan i will carve you like a pumpkin!!!' [icarus and gohan fall silent] gohan: i'm sorry, mr. piccolo. icarus: blblbla! piccolo: i'll kill it! huh?! gohan: uhh! ["i don't want to miss a thing" plays in the background] {klun klin}["i don't want to miss a thing" plays in the background]
dr. briefs: honey! good news:i've isolated the gay gene! now we'll finally be able to make it through manhattan at a decent time.i knew this combination telescope microscope would come in handy. also, there's a giant meteor coming towards the planet.quick! get me bruce willis, steve buscemi, and aerosmith. oolong: what about ben affleck? dr. briefs: what about bacon? goku: so if i blow this meteor up, i get bacon? krillin: why am i mr. pink? goku: hyaaaaagh! krillin: haaaaagh!goku: hyaaaaagh!
bulma: (think) it'll work? oolong: nnnope. goku: nooooooooo my bacooon!!! krillin: i'm a virgiiiiiin!!!goku: nooooooooo my bacooon!!! {booom} bulma: well, good news is we're not dead. oolong: and hey, the city's ok too.hell, there's even a new building. gohan: that's no building... that's a space station (!)
random dude: what the heck do you think's inside? some other dude: i bet it's jesus!i'm calling jesus! you heard it here, folks! i said jesus! another dude: hi, jesus! mook: ok guys, move out. this is easy pickings. some other dude: look everyone, it's jesus' death army! something about what i just said doesn't sound right. mook: inhabitants of earth! prepare to be conquered in the name of lord slug! some other dude: we love you jesuuus!!!
mook [slightly amused]: what the hell is going on? heh, open fire. [crowd screams] [gross eating noises] zeeun: gyoshu! why is the process of terra-freezing the planet taking so long?! gyoshu: you can just say "terra-freezing process";"terra-freezing the planet" sounds redundant. zeeun: well, why is it taking so long?! gyoshu: because apparently someone needed a f*cking english lesson! zeeun: you listen here!
king piccolo is on borrowed time! we- "king piccolo": [growling]king piccolo is on borrowed time! we- -uh oh! wuh i i-i uh, i am so sorry,that was a total slip-up on my part! please forgive me king piccolo... please forgive me king piccolo...i did it again (!) aaaaaaauuuuuuughh!!! "king piccolo": hrrmmmm. gyoshu: how long will it take? gyoshu: well, king piccolo, i believe it will take...
"king piccolo": [growling]gyoshu: well, king piccolo, i believe it will take... no wait! i said it because he did it! i said it because he did--iiiit!!! "king piccolo": ehhhhrmm. kakuja: well, lord slug, it is my humble opinion, lord slug,that it will take three days, lord slug...go team slug. lord slug: rrrreeimmh. kakuja: thank you, lord slug! lord slug: heeigh hrmm hrmm mmrgh. kakuja: your vicodin?in the bowl next to you. lord slug: hreeeeiiighh!
[more gross eating noises] kakuja: oh...look at him go... gohan: aahh ya! mook: oh god all i see is glass and blood!!! chi-chi: atatatatatatatatat yaah! chi-chi: you see, just because i'm a woman... bulma: that actually lasted longer than i expected. gohan: mom! 'ahh! my hat!!'
'oh well... it's a good thing none of these guys don't know what a dragon ball is.' lord slug: erhh eh drehgen brall. gohan: crap baskets. oolong [off-screen]: let me go, you crazy bitch! bulma [as oolong]: stop right there! i am king bacon! leave now! or i will use my voodoo powers on you! angila: you look like a twat! oolong: waaah...!
bulma: you're talking to the pig, right? angila: i'm talking to you, yes. [damn...]bulma: oh, i am at least an eight! lord slug: hehh hmm heh hmm hmm mrrghough duh. bulma: what? you know what the dragon balls are? lord slug: hobhhrrrrghoh. bulma: and you wanna collect all seven? well tough luck jolly green jackass,because i'm the only one with a radar to find them. [you don't need captions for this bit. :p]
gohan: (sigh)...oh my god... lord slug: ngaghmmhmmm. bulma: oh god! get off me! where's my rape mace?! no no nooo!!! [vacuum noise]uhhh... gohan: bulma! ugh! [slide whistle] thank you... ughh...[thud] lord slug: huegh heh hiergh hmm ngh hagh huh hiergh.
hmm hergh hrmm hugh heh hgerlh. medamatcha: you want us to find them all in an hour?! but it's hot as balls!!! lord slug: erh, bitch blitch bertch. medamatcha: thank you! angila: thank you. wings: thank you mountain. slug mook: i got a dragon ball! another slug mook: i got a dragon ball!
yet another slug mook: i got a dragon ball! charlie brown: i got a rock. lord slug: hrgh hngh heih heh heh! hrrgh hurgh huh heh hah huh hrrrough!!! shenron: i am the eternal dragon.why have you summoned me? lord slug: wregh hrieegh! hrugh hmm hrough hah heh hiiieeegh!!! shenron: you wish to return to the prime of your youth. your wish shall be-
-...wait a second, hold on.something seems really familiar about this... lord slug: hnnnngrrrrrgh!!! shenron: ah, it doesn't matter. your wish is granted! lord slug: ha ha ha ha ha! hrah hahahahahaha!!! lord slug the almighty has returned!!! my youth... my youth...my strength...
my youth...my strength...my impeccable singing voice! [♫ a parody of "what a wonderful world" ♫] ♫ i see trees of brown! and skies of black! ♫ ♫ and i think to myself...what a wonderful world! ♫ goku: wha? where am i? yajirobe: that meteor kicked your ass! turns out, it was full of bad guys too. who knew? goku: wow! i must've been out for a while.
it's all... *snowy*... yajirobe: i know, right? it's almost like-- goku [o-s]: it's christmaaaas!!! bulma [o-s]: it's really a shame how hard it is to find food with all the animals dying. chi-chi: yes, we just have to make do with what we have. gohan! dragon soup's ready!it's finger licarus good! ahhh!!! bulma! gohan's missing!
and so is the outfit piccolo gave him!!! (gasp) and red dawn's on netflix! gohan: wolveriiiiiines! you can't touch me up here! slug mook: we have blasters! gohan: one of those does nothing! slug mook: how about a hundred?! [guns cocking]
gohan: wolverines...? ahhhhh--uuh! slug mook: alrighty! sh*t stomp on the little kid! oh my god are you batman?! nooo!!! [glass shatters] gohan: ahaha! mr. piccolo! piccolo: all right, what's your gimmick? wings: gimmick? piccolo: yeah, like the last guys; they were all misfit minions and crap.what are you?
angila: we're just here for your planet.though if i had to choose, i'd say i'm the pretty one. piccolo: eh, 6/10. angila: you sassy bitch. piccolo [o-s]: that makes you the weird one with the freaky power. medamatcha: i can spawn mini me's! piccolo [o-s]: spectacular. and that would make you no doubt the big tough stupid one. wings: you take that back or i'll kill you! piccolo: all right, all right, you're not tough.
wings: that's better! gohan [o-s]: wait, didn't you-- piccolo: give him a minute... wings: hey! you son of a bitch! piccolo: now now, that truck is not your eating disorder. wings: you're a penis! piccolo: so long since you've seen yours that you don't even recognize one, do ya? wings: raaaah--uhh!
{splat}ughhhraagh! please don't break mah arm. piccolo: no. {crunch}wings: aaaah! wings: aaaah! medamatcha: d'aaah-aagh! go, my little freaks of nature! gohan: oh god, oh no, god!no no *no* *no*...! wings: he thinks he's so great. imma show him.
aw god dammit! all right, go for the left, he won't see me coming from- -aw he saw it coming! fine, i'll wait down here and catch him off guard. piccolo [o-s]: hey, how's it going? wings [o-s]: oh hey, i'm just waiting for that green jerk so i can surprise him. piccolo [o-s]: neat. wings [o-s]: yeah, he'll never see it co-! -...ohh.
hurhh... all right, look.i know we said some things... but i bet if we just talk to each other a little, we could become friends. whaddya say? high-five? piccolo: down low. wings: wha--?piccolo: too slow. medamatcha: all right babies, come back to papa!it's daddy's turn to get a shot at him now! piccolo: why can't you save your own damn seeeelllf?!?! medamatcha [o-s]: ha ha! the boss is gonna love this!
lord slug: oh-ho god, i loove this! my skin is so f*cking smooth! medamatcha: now to finish them off. piccolo: ow... medamatcha: papa medamatcha gonna make you his bitch! d'aah! angila: who the hell?! medamatcha: heheheheheh. look, another couple of putzes to knock around! this should be fu-...
-what, bitch?! i'm talking to you!i will smack you with my dick! goku: don't worry gohan, i'll save christmas. gohan: but... it's not christmas. goku: then why is it *snowing*, gohan? angila: not to be rude, but we've got better things to do. medamatcha: yeah, we're gonna take your planet and-- goku: steal christmas? angila: does he mean freeza day? medamatcha: what the hell's a christma-
-yaaaaagh! oh, i don't give a sh*t what christmas is now!! i just know i'm going to kill it! and then my little matchas are going to *rape it*!! goku: *nobody rakes christmas*. angila: tiraagh! medamatcha! medamatcha: suck 'em dry, boys! goku [muffled]: hmm, what to do...?
medamatcha: d'aaagh- -huuu...! goku: haaaaaa...! angila: you little upstart *prick*! d'aaagh! goku: urrh! angila: huwg-...-uwaa-agh...! goku: and that's how i saved christmas. again.
krillin: well, that was unnecessarily brutal. [mooks are screaming]how bout them? [mooks are screaming]goku: they can live. {boom} or not... lord slug: god, we go through soldiers here like copy paper. if you're with the government or the church,get the f*ck off my property! which, considering i now own this rock, is effectively *everything*. krillin: don't worry, goku.just sit on back and let krillin handle this one.
[tivo beep] vegeta [o-s]: oh-ho, my god. this is going to be amazing. aaand, record. krillin: waaah-! -what possessed me to do tha-haaaat...?! vegeta: and the emmy goes to... goku: krillin! lord slug: you know, there's a certain sport i excel at. goku [muffled]: what's it called?
lord slug: competitive bitch toss! piccolo: hey, gohan. gohan, you wanna do that thing, where you getreally mad and start beating the guy up? gohan? *gohan*? don't you f*cking ignore me (!) goku: 'all right, i just gotta pull myself together.at least he's not shooting laser eyes at me or something.' 'he's an x-man!' 'oh great, iguana street. now i'm gonna get mugged.but jokes on them; i have no mon--'
agh! {smash} goku [muffled]: oh hey, i should take chi-chi here. she'll love this place. goku: ugh! augh! lord slug: this is amazing! i feel like a young strapping lad,beating his meat furiously for the first time! king kai [telepathically]: goku, do you hear me?! goku [t]: hey, king kai.my nipples are rigid right now.
king kai [t]: that's... anyway, i noticed you're having a hard time down there. goku [t]: yeah, he's pretty really strong.i'm not sure what to do. but if i fail, christmas is *doomed*! king kai [t]: but it's not... {kling} d'i mean yes! goku, it's christmas, and you're about to let christmas die! goku [t]: but he's so strong. i don't think i can-- king kai [t]: goku! you're the only one who can do this!you are the champion of christmas!
lord slug: hehehehe. die!!! goku (voice now modulated): haaaah...! {crunch}goku (voice now modulated): haaaah...! lord slug: son of a bitch! my whittling hand! goku: i am champion christmas!!! king kai: holy crap! where'd this come from?! he's become...super powered. like some kind of...super...saiyaman. talking movie bubbles: sir, if i might interject,that sounds positively ridiculous.
king kai [o-s]: shut up, talking movie bubbles! lord slug: d'aaugh! what the hell got into you?! goku: i will stop you from destroying christmas!!! lord slug: what are you talking about? it's july! goku: don't you lie to me!!! it's *snowing*! lord slug: i froze your planet, you *mook*! awwwwwwwww... king kai: aww, crap.
talking movie bubbles: well, that's inconvenient. king kai: movie bubbles, i swear to god! in a trunk! off a cliff! goku (voice back to normal): well, i still have to defeat you.and you can't win with a broken arm. {splat} no no no! you're supposed to leave it on, it gets better! lord slug: auggh-uu! goku: or you know, grow it back...wait a minute, that means your...
jaw is enormous! [lord slug yells during his power-up] goku: 'hold on a minute. i know now!i know what he is! he's a--' king kai [t]: do not say "yoshi"!! goku [t]: imma still think it. king kai [t]: *namekian*, goku.na-me-ki-an! a super namekian, mind you, who's here to rule over your planet. apparently he is the banished other half of the grand elder namekian,who became too old and decrepit to fight. but now he has used the dragon balls to return himself to his prime.
goku: hold on a second.now, i may not be the brightest knife in the crayon box... but that sure sounds a lot like... hey! you wouldn't be related to king piccolo, would you? hope that doesn't sound racist, i gotta be careful about that.we're still in iguana street... lord slug: rwaagh!goku: eek! 'ok, do namekians know about sensing energy?seem to remember they don-...' '-oh god, they do!' lord slug: hey.
goku: hi. lord slug: how's it going? goku: eh, you know, kinda bummed it isn't actually christmas. lord slug: yeah, kinda sucks. goku [rapidly]: kamehame-- lord slug: bwaaaauugh!!! ahh, there's no kill quite like overki-... -huh? how did i miss him?! i shot him point blank!
goku: i love you, lucky wristbands. lord slug: come here! goku: running running running running! face! lord slug: rwaargh! rweegh! goku: whoa hot! lord slug: get over here! [evil chuckle]goku: now i know what you're thinking.
"should i crush him?" and the answer may surprise you. {squeak}agh! lord slug: huh? what the... {squeak squeak squeak squeak} goku: uuuu... lord slug: this is amazing! goku [in distress]: why does everyone laugh when they do that?that's my ribs crushing my *lungs*! {squeak}
uhh-huu... lord slug: [evil chuckle] lord slug: rwaagh??piccolo [o-s]: hey, name's piccolo. nice to meet ya. i've got your antennae. whatcha gonna do now? aha! i knew you'd do that! now for part two of my master plan! aaaaahh! lord slug: the hell is wrong with everyone on this planet?! piccolo: gohan! i need you to do that thing that really annoys me!
gohan: you mean talk? piccolo: what?! you know, that thing you were doing earlier today! it really got on my nerves! gohan: i don't recall, mr. picco-- piccolo [o-s]: what?! he hasn't loosened his grip yet so you're probably not doing it! remember! back at the waterfall! you were doing it with your mouth!
what?! gohan: ohh, whistle. [gohan whistles the opening theme to "the andy griffifth show"] lord slug: hahahahahaha! ahaha--what the...? oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god! oh my god. oh my god. oh my god! oh my god!
oh my god. oh my god. oh my god! oh my god! oh my god! oh my god. oh my god. oh my god! oh my god! oh my god! oh my god! ahh, it's like one drill in one ear! ahh, it's like one drill in one ear!and another drill in the other ear! ahh, it's like one drill in one ear!and another drill in the other ear!and they're meeting in the middllleeee!!! piccolo: gotta, get closer, to goku... give, him, my, energy... probably, should have, stretched, my arms...! got it!
goku: what...happened? lord slug: that's it! time for the universal mute button! oh balls, that was my ship... and why are you still alive?! goku: kaiåœken!!! lord slug: kaiå-- goku: aaaaaagh...! lord slug: d'aaaargh-!goku: aaaaaagh...! lord slug: -aaaargh...!goku: yaaah!
goku: now i must go. my planet needs me. ♫ sun, sun, mr. golden sun, kill my enemies! ♫ lord slug: if i'm gonna die i'm taking you with me!!! goku: see you in hfil! lord slug: aaaaargh...! why didn't i wish for immortalityyyyy?!?!?! goku: now that i've defeated king piccolo,i can wish back chiaotzu, master roshi, and krillin. nappa: yo dawg, it's the year 2000!it's time for another nappa cover, cuz this sh*t don't get ollld! [♫ nappa and piccolo "sing" a parody of "disturbed" ♫]
♫ i've been waiting my whole life for just one... ♫ ♫ what?! ♫ ♫ all i needed was just one... ♫ ♫ how can you say that i don't give a... ♫ ♫ by myself stupified coming back again. ♫ ♫ i get stupefied... ♫ [guru's letter to slug] super kami guru: naaiiill! come and maaiiill this for me! nail: sir, we don't have a mail system...
super kami guru: nail. gather the dragon balls.
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